Boundaries: The Key to Healthy Relationships

Introduction

After last week’s blog “Yes Dear” I thought it would be very relevant and appropriate to write about boundaries and its importance to build and maintain healthy relationships. Not just romantic relationships but any relationship you can think of, including and possibly most importantly, our relationship with ourselves.

I wrote last week’s blog shortly after learning what I had lived through for the last 10 years. Suffice to say that a lot has gone through my mind since then, many more realisations, and I have today a deeper understanding of what happened than I had last week when I wrote that blog. I wouldn’t change anything to it though although there’s a lot I could add. But I’m not going to that either. Maybe one small addition, but I’ll leave it here rather than in the last week’s one: if your partner has not time, patience or mental availability to discuss what is important to you and care only about their own interests, start looking for all the other signs I mentioned in the previous blog because chances are that you’re in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. If boundaries are key to healthy relationships, communication and respect is the bridge that connects the two separate people.

My philosophy in life consists of a few beliefs that I hold dearly to. One of those beliefs is that we are responsible for how everything impacts our lives. There are many cases where it’s very difficult to find where our responsibility lies but even in those cases, my approach is to accept that I’m in some way shape or form responsible if not for the actions that took place, in the very least for how it impacts my life. And what really matters is the impact whatever actions have on us and our lives rather than the actions themselves. If nothing else, every action can and does have different impacts on different people, so I think it’s fair to focus on the impact rather than the action. Even though in the case I’m referring to; the subject of last week’s blog; I understand I was responsible for what I went through due to my actions or lack thereof, my aim is to take responsibility for how it impacts me in the present and for how to make sure that it doesn’t happen again in the future.

The second belief I think it’s relevant and helps me deal with this situation is the fact that we live in the now. I’ve written 2 blog posts on this subject that I think do a good job of explaining in more detail this particular belief. Short and Sweet and Doubling Down. If and when I choose to allow my past to impact my present, a number of things happen. If nothing else I’m living a lie since that past is no longer my present and there’s nothing I can do to change the past, so what’s the point of relieving it. This is true even for happy memories but particularly damaging when dealing with situations that cause pain. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t learn with what happened in the past, I’m just saying that no matter what happened in the past, our present does not have to be a reflection of it if we don’t allow it to be.

Although there’s still much more I could discuss about the subject in question, I want to focus on what I consider to be the gist of the issue, the culprit if you want. Boundaries. Or the lack of it. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define our personal space and identity. They are crucial in maintaining healthy relationships and protecting our mental and emotional health.

As someone who has experienced the consequences of blurred or complete lack of boundaries, or even just a failure to enforce them, I can’t stress enough the importance of understanding and setting clear boundaries.

What Are Boundaries?

In the context of relationships, boundaries are the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviour towards us. They can be physical, such as personal space and privacy, or emotional, like the need for respect and understanding. Mental boundaries involve thoughts, values, and opinions.

Everyone has different boundaries, and that’s okay. What may be acceptable to one person may not be to another. The key is understanding your own boundaries and communicating them effectively to others.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

It’s in essence a sign of respect for ourselves and others. They ensure that we are not overstepping into someone else’s space and not allowing others to overstep into ours.

Without clear boundaries, we risk losing our identity, respect, and even our mental and emotional health. We may find ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable, or in relationships that drain us.

On the other hand, setting and respecting boundaries can lead to healthier, more respectful, and more fulfilling relationships. It allows us to understand our needs and ensures that they are met without infringing on the needs of others.

A narcissistic person will not enter or continue in a relationship with someone that has clear boundaries and makes sure they’re upheld.

How to Establish Boundaries

Establishing boundaries involves a few key steps. First, identify your limits. Reflect on past experiences and identify what made you uncomfortable or stressed. These feelings indicate boundary issues.

Next, pay attention to your feelings. Discomfort and resentment often signify that others are pushing your boundaries. When this happens you need to communicate it.

In order to effectively establish and enforce your boundaries, it is paramount that you are forthright in your communication. Use assertive language and be direct. Instead of feigning politeness by stating, “I would prefer if you didn’t…”, opt for a more direct approach by expressing, “I need you to…” or “I won’t accept…”. By adopting such a straightforward approach, you are ensuring that the other party comprehends your unwavering stance on respecting personal boundaries. It is imperative to convey the repercussions that will ensue should they violate these boundaries; make it abundantly clear that the maintenance of the relationship is at stake.

Finally, be prepared to enforce your boundaries. If someone continues to overstep, you should distance yourself from them.

Recognizing and Respecting Others’ Boundaries

Recognizing and respecting others’ boundaries is just as important as establishing your own. Pay attention to non-verbal cues, listen actively when others communicate their boundaries, and respect their wishes even if you don’t understand or agree with them.

Empathy and understanding are key here. Remember, everyone has the right to establish their own boundaries, and what might seem unimportant to you might be significant to them.

Boundaries After a Toxic Relationship

After leaving a toxic relationship, it’s crucial to re-establish your boundaries. Reflect on the relationship and identify what boundaries were overstepped. Then, work on setting and enforcing these boundaries in future relationships.

Conclusion

Understanding and establishing boundaries is a continuous process, but it’s one that leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Reflect on your own boundaries, communicate them clearly, and respect the boundaries of others.

I encourage you to reflect on your own boundaries. Are there areas where you could improve? Feel free to share your experiences and thoughts in the comments below.