Disrupt Yourself
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Where do I start? Why am I writing this at all? The first is a rhetorical question but the latter is actually a complicated one. Although the correct question should be: why are you able to read this or why did I publish it. I can easily justify writing what I’m about to write, it’s publishing it that it’s quite difficult to justify. There has to be a reason, or at least there should be a reason for whatever we do. It makes no sense to do something without a reason, even if it’s not a good reason. I’m not sure what the reason is at this stage but there’s a kind of force pushing me to do it.
Two things led me to write this particular blog. A book I have read recently, and I will tell you later which book it is. And a desire to change my current situation. Don’t expect the book to have the same effect on you, although it is a brilliant book. The book is about the creative processes in good advertising but for me it was read as something completely different that I didn’t understand until I finished it and experienced what we all call an epiphany.
What do I get out of publishing this piece? I could argue that it will help me hold myself accountable now that it’s published for everyone to read. That’s a weak argument: my reach, the fact that I’m quite happy to change my approach despite what I’ve written; but I have nothing else.
Acquaint
What value could this article have for whoever reads it? I could chance motivation but to be honest, I’m not sure it will achieve that. Not now, maybe in the future when I have proven myself. I have been wrong many times and I’m certain I will be wrong again. So if you decide to continue reading this blog, I hope it will be of some use to you. You may come across coarse language, but I do my best to limit it as much as possible. Maybe you can think of this blog as an introduction to the man behind it, or the man I was. And maybe it can help you to disrupt yourself.
Brooding
What you’re about to read is the result of an introspective exercise. It’s so personal and revealing that, as I write it, I can’t reason why I should publish it. If I do, I most certainly might delete it later. The introspection is done. It took me 2 weeks of digging deep to understand not what I did that got me into the situation I am in now; because I had done that exercise before; but why I did it. During my introspection I went places that caused such discomfort that it hurt, as if I had pressed on an open wound. I encountered shame that felt like I was touching a slimy piece of matter regurgitated from the stomach. I came out alive on the other side, so there’s a happy ending, or beginning.
If you keep reading just because you’re curious, as they say, then curiosity killed the cat. This will be a long enough read. If you manage to read it one go, you should pat yourself on the back, because that’s quite an achievement these days, and you’re one of a small minority who can still concentrate on a task for as long as this will take you, which should be about 20–25 minutes.
Edicts
Just to clarify what you’re about to read. I do not necessarily refer to rules as laws, nor do I limit myself to rules in the proper sense of the word. When I speak of rules, I may mean guidelines, common sense or best practices. My intention is not to create confusion or be vague and ambiguous. So if I feel that this is the case, I will give the exact term for that context. But on the whole it should be pretty self-explanatory.
Cheater
Let me first say something with which you may not agree. In my opinion, cheating only occurs when we break a rule that we have agreed to follow.
Imagine the following scenario: 4 people want to play a game and before they start they agree on the rules of the game. Then something happens after the game has started: 2 new players enter the game. The rules are explained to one player, but not to the other player, although the rules are visible to anyone who wants to read them. The player to whom the rules were explained did not agree to them, he was aware of them but didn’t agree to them. The other players didn’t ask for agreement but assumed that they agreed because the rules were explained or visible. 3 players break the rules, two are the new players and the third was one of the 4 original players. I am of the opinion that all 3 players broke the rules but only the original one cheated.
Rule breaker
I was one of those kids who broke the rules and did all sorts of things I was not supposed to do. At first I wasn’t aware of what rules I was breaking or what the consequences of breaking the rules were. I was aware that I shouldn’t do something because I was told not to do this or that. Like most children, that didn’t stop me from doing things I knew I shouldn’t do.
Didn’t know better
I was about 7 or 8 years old when something happened to me that had a big impact on me. Not telling you what. I did something I shouldn’t have done and I suffered the consequences. And I really didn’t like it. It had such an impact on me and I changed so much that I became quite afraid of consequences and for a while I tried not to break any rules. At least the ones I was aware of. I would like to note that I did not consciously choose to change, I just understand that’s what happened with hindsight. Most of what I’m giving away here about this subject I understand only with hindsight. At that moment I had no idea what was going on. There were rule breakers all around me and clashes were inevitable because these rule breakers were my friends.
Know it all
As a young teenager, you start looking for reasons that justify breaking the rules. The main reason you inevitably find is that the rule is stupid and should not apply. And the second reason is usually the belief that you can get away with it. You don’t really need for both reasons to be present. Sometimes you know the rule is not stupid, but you really believe you can get away with it, and you do it anyway. Well, you do not always get away with it and the consequences pop up again to teach you a lesson that you seem to have forgotten.
Know the rules
I have learned that reasons that seem stupid are sometimes not so stupid when viewed from the perspective of those who implemented them. Not always, but it happens. So I have learned that rules have a raison d’être and that we need to look at them from all angles to understand whether they are actually stupid or, worse, unjust because they benefit a small minority at the expense of the majority, or whether they are actually harmful despite good intentions. Only then should the decision be made to break a rule or not.
Know the consequences
Consequences have taught me some lessons.
Consequences are not always what they seem either. Let me explain. A consequence can be much worse than what you have calculated, because a certain consequence can have different repercussions, some more obvious than others. So you expect something to happen, but you do not take into account all the repercussions that only take place because you are in that situation, and it ends up being much worse than you originally thought.
But I have also learned that sometimes it’s worth taking the consequences to get the benefits of breaking the rules. The problem is if you don’t accurately calculate other subsequent consequences you might suffer.
So sometimes the consequences are a fair price to pay in order to enjoy the benefits of breaking the rules. This is true even if you discount the risk probability. That is, you assume that you will be caught and have to bear the consequences, and you make the conscious decision to break the rule anyway. I don’t claim that this is a good, sensible attitude to life, but it is what it is, and on my introspection it’s not something I would want to change. I believe in personal freedom and property rights, so I’d never break rules that are in line with what I believe in. I’m not a cheater, I’m a rule breaker.
See me in action
This blog is just an example of my rule-breaking personality in action. Pick a niche and build a following around it before venturing into broader topics. Use your business blog as a marketing tool and write each blog as a lead generator. Monetise your blog. Structure your blog this way and don’t forget to mention these few things in each blog. And the list goes on. I have thought about the consequences and I’m not going to lie, I might pivot at some point because the benefits I get might not be enough in the future to keep breaking these rules. But for now, the fact that I can write what I want and how I want trumps the negative consequences that will ripple into the future — that’s how much enjoyment I get from this.
I am, however, considering separating my blog from my web design business. It’s not a good marketing tool for that business, at least not the way it’s being developed, and where I want to take it. Also, there are a few ways to monetise it that I’d actually like to pursue but do not agree with BestSites 0x. Watch this space as they say.
Laziness is a virtue
I could say, because it’s true, that I’m always looking for ways to do what needs to be done, by exerting the least amount of effort and spending the shortest time possible. This is especially true when I have to do a task for the second time. Because I know what needs to be done and what I really don’t want to do, I can spend much longer than it would take to complete the task thinking about how I can avoid doing something or at least do it in a more effective way that reduces the time required. That’s actually fine, especially if you do it when it’s okay to do the task a little later and there’s no deadline looming. Next time, I got them.
I also use 80/20 thinking in a way that I can again justify as positive. If you don’t know the 80/20 rule or pareto principle, you’re probably quite young and/or have no business experience. Most professionals who work or have worked for a medium to large company are familiar with the concept and probably apply it on a daily basis in carrying out their duties. I think I started using the concept long before I knew of it. My laziness did that. Anyway, I’m currently reading the book The 80/20 Principle by Richard Koch and will probably explore this topic in a future blog on productivity and profitability.
Low standards
So far, it’s all quite positive. My laziness forces me to be more efficient. But it does not just manifest itself in the quest for efficiency. Even though it is not common, I have had feelings of sloth. Let’s look at the other ways in which my laziness is not so positive.
By lowering my standards, I can easily avoid a good chunk of work. So it will come as no surprise to you that I regularly lower my standards. To my credit, I have to say that I start with quite high standards. But I have to accept that you would never think that if what I deliver is not of a high standard.
There are a couple of caveats here: First, it’s all subjective and always depends on your own standards. Some will think what I deliver is actually of a high standard and others will think it’s of a low or lower standard. Secondly, I only do this if I’m pretty comfortable I can get away with it, and that’s not usually the case when I am working professionally, ‘usually’ being the operative word here. This rule applies to all the scenarios I have already mentioned and which I will mention now while talking about my laziness.
Half arsed attempts
I don’t finish what I start. When I work on a problem, no matter what it is, I stop as soon as I think I have found the solution. Usually the search for the solution is the most intense part of the project, at least mentally. Once you find the solution, all you have to do is implement it. Sometimes the implementation can be quite a challenge, at least I think it might be. In such situations, I tend to move on to the implementation phase. But that doesn’t mean I will finish it. As soon as I think I can actually do it and it is no longer a challenge, I stop.
I could easily say that I need to be challenged in order to put effort into a task; unless I’m expected to do it as part of my job and get paid for it, as mentioned earlier; but the truth is less glamorous than that. What if my solution doesn’t really solve the problem the way I think it will? Without having fully implemented it, I can’t know for sure. It’s the fear of failure that has so far stopped me from finishing something I have started. Note that I also do the same thing in my job when I think I can get away with it but it’s just that it happens much less frequently. This leads me to my next trait.
My insecurity
I will use a few memes or quotes to illustrate my thoughts, around what is possibly the root cause of most of my failures.
I used to identify with a meme showing a boy soaring high while holding a bunch of balloons and a legend saying, “Everyone wants to be liked and accepted. Except for Tim, Tim doesn’t give a fuck.” That’s me, I thought. I really don’t give a shit if others like and approve of me or not. I don’t need anyone’s validation. In fact, I know enough about the human condition to understand that the more people dislike me, the better off I must be. Well, that’s bullshit. Not the latter, that’s absolutely true, but the fact that I don’t care and don’t need validation. I do care if the other people are no longer a subjective, impersonal being, but an objective person. And it’s not just that I don’t care, but I usually look for validation.
I’m doing it wrong
You don’t seek validation, you receive validation. Or you don’t receive validation, but you receive rejection. But you don’t ask for it. You do your best and receive the inevitable feedback. Validation should encourage you in what you’re doing and motivate you to continue. Rejection should be a learning experience and an opportunity to improve or at least try something different and fail again. I feel sick when I think about it and my previous behaviour. This has a much bigger impact than you might think, because all your relationships will be affected and people will deal with you accordingly.
If you ask your boss, should I go about doing it this way? Or your girlfriend, where do you want to go? Or your child, do you want to do this? You will have to live with the consequences. I know I have. Do whatever you have to do, in your own way.
Do right
If your boss has a problem, she will tell you and you can accept it and use it for the future; you can also tell her that next time she should let you know that she wants it done a certain way.
Tell your girl where you are both going to go. If she doesn’t want to go there, she will tell you. In that case, tell her your plan B, even if you make it up on the spot, but you should have it ready. If she has a habit of refusing your invitations and always wants to go somewhere else, you should probably let her go alone and find another girlfriend. This is not relationship advice.
If your child says she doesn’t want to do what you suggested, either tell her she has no choice and it wasn’t a question, or present her with a Plan B, which is her only other option. I assume that you know your children’s wants and needs and are able to make informed decisions about what you should do together. If that’s not the case, you should sort it out and then put it into action.
You’re not arrogant and inflexible, you just know what you want and are frugal with your flexibility. Make sure you know what you want. Your child wants this, your girlfriend wants this, your boss wants this. Want that.
You don’t fool me
Another rather pernicious way in which my insecurity manifests itself is what is known as Imposter Syndrome. This is much more widespread than I thought. But that doesn’t diminish the negative impact it has had on my life. It manifests itself in the feeling of being a fraud. My symptoms are that I feel insecure about my skills and knowledge and have difficulty accepting compliments for a job well done, if talent is inferred.
It’s very possible, indeed very likely, that you too have suffered from this at one time or another, perhaps not to the same extent and with the same regularity as I have, but you should know from your own experience what I’m talking about; it’s that common.
What you may not realise is the impact it can have on a person’s life. I’m tempted to say that impostorism is much worse than someone who can’t accept constructive feedback or knows how to do it. That person will not improve, at least not at an acceptable rate, and there are countless ways it can affect their professional and personal life. But mentally, that person doesn’t really suffer because of that trait. Impostorism is taxing on the psyche and limits the ability to express oneself fully and truthfully. As with everything, there are degrees to it and I don’t think it’s too bad in my case, but it’s enough to affect my life. There are ways to deal with it and successfully shut it down so that all is not lost.
Balloons
And it’s not all bad! I seek shelter in the idea of the Dunning-Kruger effect, and that Bertrand Russel epitomised so well. “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” There is no denying this thought, and it’s absolutely true that the more you know about a subject, the more you realise how much you do not know. The surface of a balloon illustrates this idea perfectly. If the surface represents what you’re aware you don’t know and the air in the balloon represents what you do know, then the more you fill the balloon with air, the more the surface expands.
Pop
I think this approach gives the impression of insecurity when it’s not, but it doesn’t help me. Even when I am debating issues where I have some knowledge, I do my best to remember that there’s a good chance there’s something I don’t know that can invalidate my argument. This can come across as insecurity, in a person that has many other traits of insecurity.
It does happen at times that I fail to do this though. I possibly come across as just being stubborn then. After mulling over it, I understand that it’s actually my insecurity that prevails. So it’s not when I appear insecure in my position, but when I’m immovable that I’m actually being insecure. This happens more often than I would like, so I have to accept that my insecurity does take over my cognizance sometimes. And as Moliere put it, “It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I’m right”
Narcissism
I love myself. Whatever I am. I understand that I’m not my body and I understand that I’m not my thoughts. I’m aware of both and I’m not one. I have limited control over my body and limited control over my thoughts. I can’t tell my body what to do; except for a few movements of the limbs and other small parts of the body; and that’s a good thing, because I would die pretty quickly if my life depended on me telling my body what to do. Think of breathing, for example. I’m useless when it comes to controlling my thoughts. There’s just no way I can decide not to think about something or just to think about something else. Don’t even start with meditation.
I love this experience we call life. The simple things. Just thinking can be such a pleasure, that I’m of two minds when I think about what drives my procrastination, my laziness or my pleasure in being alone just thinking. I like solitude. I love feeling sensations from all senses, the pleasant ones, not the unpleasant ones. It’s fair to say that I tend towards hedonism, although I’m well aware of the benefits of a low time preference and act accordingly. I’m perfectly happy to delay gratification.
Do I admire myself and my physical appearance? Certainly not excessively and although I would not trade my body for another, I would definitely change a few parts. So no, I don’t think anyone would diagnose me with narcissism. But I do believe that a good dose of healthy narcissism coupled with humility can only be good for me. And these 2 traits are not opposites, so it’s not an oxymoron.
I’m Introverted
As I said before, I like solitude. I love to read and write. I go for walks alone, although I also like to do it in company. It drains my energy to be in groups of people though. Other than that, there’s not much to say. Is it something I would like to change? No, I don’t think I could change it even if I wanted to. I do need to socialise more though.
Antisocial
Am I antisocial? That depends on how you define antisocial. I’ll tell you what I’m like and you’ll be able to judge.
I love people, in general. If you ask me if I love a serial killer or any other kind of beast, I can’t say that, although I try to be sympathetic to the fact that people are often not the result of what they want to be, but the result of conditions beyond their control. And I’m referring to the circumstances during the first 7 years and especially the first few months of their lives.
I think about people the same way I think about the ocean. If you go to the ocean and take a bucket of water, is the water in the bucket the same as in the ocean? It looks different, it behaves differently, it may even smell different. I see us as drops of the same ocean having an experience at this level of reality. Or as the Portuguese say, it’s all flour from the same bag.
I’m not laughing
I can’t not think of George Carlin when I say this, because what he said pretty much depicts how I feel. I am just going to paraphrase some of what he said on the subject, because we don’t feel the same way about everything and I’m not saying this to distance myself from the misanthropic image he has created for himself. When I’m alone with another person, I can see the universe in their eyes and usually have a really pleasant experience. If they’re in a group, even a group of 2, then scrap that, I can’t stand them. That’s a really rough paraphrase, but I haven’t found the video with the sketch I’m thinking of.
I feel something similar. I can have a great time with one or two friends, but as soon as more people come into the group, my experience deteriorates exponentially, to the point where I find it really hard to enjoy myself when there are 4 other people in the group besides me. What happens is that I’ll choose one; or sometimes I’m chosen; and focus on that person and pretend no one else is there. When I was younger I was much better at handling groups, but as I got older I got worse. I leave this here in memory of George Carlin.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYOH30WUX7Y
Learn a skill
My social skills are atrocious and I really don’t know if they’re atrocious because I’m anti-social or if I’m anti-social because my social skills are atrocious. Like any other skill, you can’t really learn them, you have to practise them.
As I was thinking about this, I realised something. There’s a book in my “To Read” folder that has been there for a few years. I can open it whenever I want. I got this book because I knew it could only be beneficial for me to read it, and because it’s quite well known and many people swear by it. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. My understanding is that it’s a great book that anyone with poor social skills should read. It’s not the only book in this folder that I feel a little awkward about not having read yet. So I can totally understand if you don’t read some books that I think are essential. It’s very possible that I have dodged this book for so long due to my insecurity and fear of failure so I’m doing something about it.
Successes and failures
I don’t write from a position of authority, but I have first-hand experience with much of what I write about. I’m 46, have had more jobs than I care to admit, have a healthy curiosity and an ability to hyperfocus. The latter can have a negative impact on my relationships and social life but brings other benefits.
I’ve hit and am at this moment of my life at rock bottom though. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity, I’m not even complaining. Maybe sometimes I come across as a bit aggressive or at least frustrated, but I’m not complaining. At least not about my personal situation. I’m just stating a fact. I’m not depressed or even unhappy. I’m not a victim either, or I’m a victim of all the decisions and actions I have taken so far.
I’m aware that things can always get a bit worse, but I have hit my safety net so it’s not really likely to get worse unless I have an accident or a health problem. The silver lining is that even though I may have to spend a bit longer here, the only other possible way is up. I’m also aware that there are a lot of people that would give a leg to change places with me and could never understand me saying this. But these people are not reading this for sure. And that doesn’t lessen my situation either.
I’m not going to write about my successes, even though it’s not an extensive list and I’m not going to write about my failures, which are also not very extensive. I would rather write about what led to the successes and what led to the failures.
A penny for your thoughts
Knowledge is worthless, as are ideas, thoughts and insights. They’re worthless not in their essence or potential, but by virtue of the fact that of themselves they create nothing of value. It’s action that creates value. An idea by itself is worthless. You can have all the knowledge in the world, and you have it at your fingertips, but it’s worthless.
Take action
It’s what we do with our thoughts, insights and ideas that creates value. My successes were all possible because I acted. And when I think about it, I acted, if not always, almost always, before I had all the knowledge that I now think it’s essential to do what I did. I learned along the way and got better, which reinforced success, but that would not have happened if I had not acted first and improved afterwards. I’m doing it again. I’m taking action. I will learn and improve, but I’m not waiting until I’m quite good at it to start. Do not ask for permission either. If the rules are not clear, do what you think is right. Obviously, thoughtful actions backed by good knowledge are much more likely to succeed than those that are not. But they are neither a prerequisite nor a guarantee of success.
Persistence
Every time that I didn’t give up, I got what I wanted or something similar that I felt delivered the result I was after. Sometimes it took way longer than what I thought was fair, but there’s usually something positive that came out of the fact that it took longer. And the reverse can be true as well, when we achieve a goal before it’s fair to do so. Persistence is a skill, and as such, you don’t learn it, you practise it.
So you want success? Just do it. And keep doing it. Sounds easy? Do it then.
Didn’t come to nothing
My failures were mainly due to two reasons. The first was inaction. I thought about it, dreamt about it, talked about it. I did everything but take action to start it. It was never because I lowered my standards or because I didn’t finish what I started. It was not taking action that led to failure. Analysis by paralysis is a real problem, but I can’t say that was ever the reason in my case. My insecurity absolutely, and my lack of motivation that came from not having a clear picture of what I wanted. The second reason was that I sometimes acted but completely disregarded my own knowledge and insights and let emotions guide my decisions. All my knowledge and insights were completely worthless because I didn’t let them flow into my actions.
Failures, however, need not be failures. They can be lessons that ensure your success, nothing more. My failures have helped me understand what I want and will help me become a better person. Not only do I know what I want, I also know what I don’t want, and that in itself is a success. So to call it a failure is a misnomer.
Weekly Insights
If you read my insights, you’ll have the blueprint for success or what not to do, time will tell. I’ll let you in on everything, what worked and what hasn’t. What I intend to do and what I’m avoiding.
In Portugal we have a saying that translates as “the secret is the soul of the business”. That’s just another rule that I’m happy to break because I don’t agree with it. There are always exceptions to a rule and maybe sometime in the future I will keep something secret, but I hope I will not have to.
This blog is still quite young and I have already made one mistake that could have been fatal. You could make a snide remark and say I cheated, and I couldn’t convincingly argue otherwise, but I can honestly say that it was a misjudgement rather than a conscious decision to break a rule I don’t agree with.
And I say it could have been fatal because I’m correcting it and at this point only a couple of people could be aware of it, so I don’t think it could be the end of this endeavour. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s a much bigger deal for me than for anyone else.
That being said, I think those who might have noticed my mistake are not coming back to this corner of the internet so it was actually fatal when it comes to them. I’m aware I’m looking at a couple of people at most, but still. Remember when I mentioned vomit earlier? Yeah…
But I’m not stopping, because if you know exactly what you want, nothing and no one will stop you from achieving it, except yourself. And the cherry on top? It’s all about the rollercoaster ride, not the destination.
I, Re-invented
So what can I do to improve myself and my current situation? I’m addressing my insecurity and will focus on improving in that area and the different ways it manifests. The most important thing is awareness. Keep visiting the spaces in my mind where it would be more comfortable not to, and challenge myself. Create uncomfortable situations on a regular basis. Try to fail every day. Know what I want and stand by it. If you find it hard to know what you want — I know it sounds crazy, but it’s more common than you might think — think about what you don’t want, because that should be much easier to find. Take steps to make it almost impossible for what you don’t want, to become a reality.
I’m implementing a couple of habits that will help me in a roundabout way to achieve my goals. Once I’m happy with these habits (at least 6 months of regular activity), I will add one or two more. I’m starting by getting up a bit earlier than before and doing a few push-ups every morning to get to at least 50 daily. Like I said, in a roundabout way.
Atomic Habits by James Clear (who would claim that it takes far less than 6 months to form a habit) is a great book that has given me great tips on how to successfully form new habits, and although I read the book a long time ago, I don’t feel like I need to read it again. I know exactly what I need to do.
Believe in myself and as Paul Arden wrote in his best-selling book: “It’s not how good you are, it’s how good you want to be”.
