Let’s Talk

Communication is an art, a dance of words, tone, and body language. It’s not just about what we say, but how we say it. This is a topic that interests me very much not because I’m an expert at, but because I have a lot to improve on. From speaking too fast and in a tone that is higher than appropriate, to using non-words and cutting short any conversations, I really have some work to do. I’m learning about how I can improve my communication and I’m sharing my learnings to hopefully motivate someone else that needs to improve theirs as well.

I’ve written before that effective communication is possibly the most important skill you can have for a successful life. From personal relationships to professional success and everything in between, effective communication is the number 1 skill you need to master.

While we often think of communication as an outward act, it’s equally important to remember that we’re always in conversation — with others and with ourselves.

The Foundations of Communication

Internal Dialogue: Before we even utter a word to someone else, we’re constantly communicating with ourselves. Our thoughts, beliefs, and self-talk shape our external conversations. Being aware of this internal dialogue can greatly influence the effectiveness of our communication with others. Pay attention to what you’re telling yourself and make sure you tell yourself what you want to tell, just like you tell others only what you want to tell them.

External Dialogue: This is the conversation we have with the world. It’s not just about the words we choose but how we deliver them. And here’s where things get interesting.

The Anatomy of a Conversation

Three key areas that impact the quality and efficiency of your message. By efficiency I mean the ability to reach the intended audience and be understood for what you intend to communicate.

Words: Surprisingly, words make up a mere 10% of our message or less. While they lay the foundation, they’re just the tip of the iceberg.

Tonality: Ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it”? Tone accounts for about 40% of our message. On the phone, this jumps to a whopping 80%. A monotonous tone can make even the most exciting news sound dull. Pro tip: Slow down your speech, and you’ll naturally deepen your tone. Add strategic pauses for emphasis, and you’ll captivate your listeners.

Body Language: This silent communicator makes up approximately 50% of our message, sometimes more. From our posture to our hand gestures, our bodies often speak louder than our words. When speaking in person, ensure your listener can see you. Your gestures, facial expressions, and stance can significantly enhance your message.

For truly effective communication, align your words, tone, and body language. Clarity in speech is essential, but without the right tone and body language, your message might fall flat.

Tips for Elevating Your Conversations

Genuine Care: Authenticity is key. Truly care about the person you’re speaking to and be present in the moment. Listen with intent.

Paraphrase: This not only ensures you’ve understood correctly but also demonstrates active listening. If you’re not sure you fully understood what was said, make sure to ask for clarification. How do you mean? If you believe you got the message correctly, paraphrase it.

Eliminate Fillers: Words like “like”, “right”, and “well”, “do you know what I mean”, “I guess”, add nothing to the conversation, just the opposite, they take away your credibility. And non-words such as “umm” and “hmmm”, can dilute your message, and make you seem uncertain, which will take away your authority no matter how much knowledge and experience you have on the subject. Practise pausing as a replacement for these fillers. It’s not easy when you start but if you keep practising, before you know it, the fillers are gone and your communication skills have improved tenfold. If there’s one tip on this blog that I suggest you practise, it’s this one. If you do nothing else, do this one.

Mind Your Body Language: Be conscious of any repetitive gestures or ticks. Ensure your body language complements your words. You want your body language to be in sync with your voice and words.

Smile Authentically: A genuine smile can bridge gaps and warm hearts. It’s a universal sign of goodwill. A real smile will cover for a lot of poor communication skills.

Conversational Threading: Offer multiple topics to keep the conversation flowing. For instance, if you’re asked where you live, rather than just saying, I live in Lisbon, you could weave in anecdotes or aspirations related to the subject. For instance, I live in Lisbon but would love to move to a Nordic country like Sweden or Norway. I actually love a colder climate and I’m intrigued about living in a place where days or nights can be close to 24 hours depending on the time of the year. I think I would move into the middle of a forest to be away from everyone else and just enjoy nature.

There’s a lot for the other person to pick up on here making it much easier to keep the conversation flowing.

Balance in Sharing: A conversation is a two-way street. While it’s essential to share about yourself, show genuine interest in the other person. Instead of direct questions, make open-ended statements that invite them to share. And even better than open ended questions are statements that elicit a response but don’t force it. For instance, instead of asking “what do you like to do for fun?”, you could say — you look like a fun person. I bet you have some interesting hobbies.

They don’t have to respond as it’s not a question but they’ll probably say something about it, even if it’s something like, actually no, I’m a really boring person.

Embrace Randomness: This is a great tip for those moments when you may be feeling that there’s an awkward silence seeping in. Share spontaneous thoughts or insights. It adds a layer of authenticity and creativity to the conversation.

Lastly, I would add that humour and storytelling are great additions to anyone’s repertoire. I think humour is more of a “either you have it or you don’t”, but storytelling is a skill that can be honed and we all have stories to tell, it’s just that not everyone can tell them well.

Deep conversations can also be fantastic at strengthening relationships, you just need to make sure that it’s appropriate to start a deep conversation. You need to be comfortable that the other person is genuinely interested in having that conversation.

Conclusion

Effective communication is a skill and as with any skill you can practise and master it, if you learn the rules for effective communication. By understanding the nuances of words, tone, and body language, and by embracing the tips shared, you can elevate your conversations, making them more engaging, meaningful, and memorable.