Yes Dear
Introduction
Narcissism is a peculiar beast of a personality trait, or rather, a personality disorder trait. And although some people are aware of being narcissistic and consciously taking advantage of it by exploring other people’s feelings and personalities, not all are aware that they’re in fact narcissistic and that they are being manipulative, exploring others and in most cases destroying their souls.
In this post I want to focus on narcissistic women and their romantic partners as their “victims”. I do this because I’ve lived it, so I talk from experience. I will not relate the specifics of my personal experience and I haven’t experienced everything I’m going to expound, but it’s important to say that I do talk from experience and have been through almost all of it and I am currently going through some of it still. But I’m not relying only on my personal experience, I support much of what I’m writing today on what I’ve read and listened to, from some psychologists that I believe have credible expert knowledge on the subject, such as Prof. Sam Vaknin and Doctor Ramani Durvasula.
Before I start I want to make it perfectly clear that I understand that we all have narcissistic tendencies and do act narcissistic at times, but when I refer to the narcissist in this post, I’m referring to people that suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I also understand that everyone is different and sufferers from this disorder are impacted in different degrees so no story is the same but I do believe from my experience and what I’ve learned, many things are very similar. Lastly, I want to make it clear, and this is only my opinion, that I don’t think any of these narcissistic people, plan out what they’re going to do and how they go about through the process that I will explain.
We should start by clarifying that narcissists are not only the overt type, the grandiose type of person that acts like they’re the best there is and superior to everyone else, sometimes arrogant, but they also exist as the covert narcissist, that is fragile and vulnerable and uses that to their advantage. We will also delve into how a relationship with a narcissist can ruin someone’s life. Like I said, we all have narcissistic tendencies and at times act narcissistic, but the people I’m referring to in this post suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NDP) and that means that their narcissistic behaviour is a constant rather than the one off thing.
The majority of narcissistic people are males. There are a huge number of cultural, sociological and even biological reasons for this, and because of that, women suffer the most as victims of relationships with narcissists. To note that not only romantic partners are negatively impacted from relationships with narcissists. The sons and daughters, the friends and co-workers, anyone that has a close relationship with a narcissist can be negatively impacted by it. But the closer the relationship, the higher the impact, so the most damaging relationship is the romantic one. Like I said I will focus on relationships where the woman is the narcissist because it’s the experience I relate to, but most of what I’m going to talk about applies equally to men and women.
We will look at some of the signs men can look for to understand if they’re in a relationship with a narcissist and how to deal with it, and we will also look at the risks and difficulties involved when cutting off that romantic relationship (dependency). I will have to stress though, that the main signal any man needs to look for in order to understand if they’re in a relationship with a narcissist is not in their women, but in themselves, and we’ll cover that as well.
So I will make the case that if you’re a victim of a relationship with a narcissistic person, you obviously have a role to play. It takes two to tango. It’s important to understand that in this relationship, the narcissist is being true to themselves, but the victim is not; caveat for exceptional people (especially men) that are most happy when being submissive to someone else all the time.
Spot the narcissist
In the realm of narcissism, we encounter two primary species: the overt and the covert. Overt narcissists strut around with confidence, self-assurance, and assertiveness. They flaunt their arrogance, manipulate those around them with skill, and make demands without a second thought. It’s usually easy to spot this type of narcissist and people that tend to fall victim to this type of narcissist are people with low self esteem, lack of confidence and with predisposition for being submissive.
On the other side of the coin, we have covert narcissists. These individuals are plagued by insecurity and sensitivity. They cunningly adopt the role of the victim, subtly exert control over others, and often resort to passive-aggressive tactics. It’s not unusual for confident people with healthy levels of self esteem to fall for this type of narcissist. Rather than acting grandiose and boasting about everything they have and do and aim to achieve, they tend to paint a picture of difficulty, how they are struggling to get where they want to be due to some challenges they had to face or are facing. Rather than preying on submissive behaviour and low self confidence, they prey on compassion.
I’m going to focus on how to spot the covert narcissist. It’s not easy because like I said, they’re subtle, it can take a long time for their true colours to start showing and by then their “victims” are already under their control, that’s why they start showing their true colours. First they get to know their “victim” and what makes them tick, their insecurities and anything else that they can later use to control them. They start by introducing them to a persona that will make the “victim” fall in love with. They’re loving, pleasing, they put the victim before themselves, or so it makes them feel.
The process of really getting to know the victim and making the victim fall in love with the narcissist can take weeks to months. The narcissist will not start showing their true colours until they believe they are in complete control or until they’re challenged. They may be challenged before they show their true colours and that challenge will reveal their colours before they want to but we’ll cover that later.
In short, it can take a long time to spot a covert narcissist and most times when that happens it’s too late for the “victim” to understand what has happened. There’s an easy and fast way to spot the narcissist though, or at least to avoid them, and we’ll cover that as well later on.
Displays of narcissism
There are some signs that will tell you that you’re dealing with a narcissist. As mentioned before, you need to understand that displaying these signs at times does not necessarily mean that you’re dealing with a person that suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. If the signs are there constantly, even if very subtly, then it should be a red flag, and you should consider dealing with it. Again, covert narcissists will not show these signs that often in the beginning as they’re exposing you to a different persona, and when they invariably do, they do it very subtly so it can be quite difficult to spot. Also, they may continue; and a lot of them do; to display this type of behaviour in a very subtle and nuanced way.
So what are the signs?
Weaponizing sex: This can be practised in many different ways and it can vary depending on the stage of the relationship they’re in. For instance in the beginning they can use sex to lure their partners in, they will do everything they can to please their partner and make sure they have the best sex they have ever had. They may also use withholding as a form of control or to increase desire. In later stages of the relationship, where the true persona is usually on display, different approaches are used since at that stage the aim is not to please and make the “victim” fall in love but to shame, make them feel inadequate and insecure as we’ll explore later in this post. They may do this by creating jealousy, for instance they will flirt with someone else in front of their partners or they will tell their partners about it happening when they weren’t there. They can also try to shame their partner by for instance making them feel inadequate and unable to please them, or for instance comparing the partner to previous partners. It’s important to understand that the partner can do whatever they want, the narcissist will never be satisfied because that’s not what the narcissist is actually looking for; more on that later.
Extreme pettiness: When it comes to pettiness the ways how it can be displayed are literally endless. Let’s just say that if your partner is constantly nagging you, then you know they’re being petty. Making a scene over small things, constantly nitpicking appearances, like your hair or your clothes, whatever.
Play the victim: This is a big one and another one that may be displayed differently depending on the stage of the relationship they find themselves in. In the beginning is quite common to start with the sob story, the way they were victimised in the past, usually as young as their childhood, but it can also be later, such as in previous romantic relationships or even in close family relationships, particularly with parents or a parent. Later in the relationship they tend to play victim when dealing with current arguments with the victim. It’s common for the narcissist to make it seem that they’re being attacked or take the victim to a point of responding in a manner that does feel like an attack. This phenomenon called the reactive abuse takes place as the “victim” reacts to the abuse in a way that entitles the narcissist to play the victim. The narcissist will try (and often succeed) to convince the victim that they’re the actual abusers because of their reaction.
I think it’s important to say that people that do suffer from NPD have usually indeed been victimised in someway during their childhood and it’s usually to escape that situation, that they create that super persona (the narcissist) and end up living a lie that is my belief they end up believing in for most of their life. I do think they have moments of sanity where they look reality in the face but quickly chicken out and seek refuge in the lie.
Extreme vanity: If you notice some of the following behaviours being constantly displayed even if subtly, chances are that you’re dealing with a narcissist. Excessive selfies and social media posts looking for validation and compliments. Constantly checking their appearance either in mirrors, windows or even using their phones. Frequently fishing for compliments by making negative comments about themselves in hopes that others contradict them and compliment them.
Acts sweet in public: Their private persona is different from their public persona. They’re very sweet in public but act completely differently in private. If you just had a nasty argument and have to go in public straight after and no one would be able to tell that they were in an argument because they look and act happy and sweet, chances are that they’re a narcissist. I’ll mention it again, it’s the frequency that we need to consider not the impact that one situation has on us.
Gossip about others: No explanation needed here. Are they gossiping about their friends, siblings, parents, co-workers? Do they do this frequently? You know the drill.
Extreme neediness: They may display neediness from the early days but it’s more common to make it everything about the “victim” rather than themselves; even if it’s all a lie. With time, the “victim” will realise that their partner is much more needy than they showed to be in the beginning. It will come the time when they will only be there for the “victim” when they need the “victim”.
Never admits fault: The narcissist never admits fault. In the rare cases where they’re so wrong that they need to admit some fault, they won’t do it without shaming you, blaming you and guilt tripping you. You will not win an argument with a narcissist, ever. Best case scenario they will agree to disagree and accept to terminate the argument without a clear winner, but when that happens they will bring it back to haunt you. In other words, they will continue to bring it back until they win the argument.
It’s who they are
Let me start by saying that this following bit are my own thoughts, heavily influenced by my own experience. Although I understand that some narcissistic people are bad people; some know they’re bad and some don’t even know it; I don’t think they’re all necessarily bad people. They do bad things, because they do treat their “victims” in unacceptable ways and inflict life altering damage to their psych and life potential, but I don’t think they all do that because they’re bad people. They do that because they suffer from a personality disorder, and they’re not responsible for it, they didn’t choose it, and they can’t avoid it. It’s who they are. Like I said before, I don’t think narcissistic people plan how their relationships will work out, they’re just being themselves.
This personality disorder is most of the time completely subconscious and has mentioned previously, was born out of some childhood trauma that now guides their behaviour. This is a complex construct that develops over time, often rooted in childhood experiences, particularly those involving parents or primary caregivers. In many cases, narcissistic traits can be traced back to an environment where the child’s needs and feelings were neglected or dismissed. This could be due to a variety of reasons, such as parental narcissism, where the parent’s needs and desires overshadow those of the child. In other instances, the child might have been excessively pampered or excessively criticised, leading to an inflated sense of self-importance or a deep-seated need for admiration and validation.
The Dual Mothership
What’s happening under the hood? The dual mothership theory (by Prof. Sam Vaknin) provides a compelling perspective on the development of narcissistic personalities. This theory suggests that narcissism can stem from having two different “mother figures” in one’s life — one being the actual mother, and the other being a symbolic representation of the mother, such as society or culture. This theory is applicable to both men and women.
The actual mother, in this context, refers to the person who provides the child with basic care and nurturing. The symbolic mother, on the other hand, represents societal expectations and norms. When these two “mothers” provide conflicting messages about self-worth and validation, it can lead to confusion and internal conflict.
For example, if a child is constantly praised and adored at home (by the actual mother) but criticised or ignored by society (the symbolic mother); or the opposite scenario; they may develop an inflated sense of self-importance to cope with the conflicting messages. This can lead to narcissistic traits, as the individual continues to seek validation and admiration from others to reconcile the discrepancy between their self-perception and societal feedback.
It’s important to remember that narcissism is often a coping mechanism for deep-seated insecurities and unmet needs. By understanding this, we can approach narcissistic individuals with more empathy and understanding, while also protecting ourselves from potential harm.
It’s quite common for people that suffer from narcissistic personality disorder to attribute the role of the symbolic mother to their partner, and to act as a symbolic mother for their partner. And it’s also true that the partner; if they remain in a relationship with that person; will do the exact same thing and accept the partner as a symbolic mother while at the same time accept her as a symbolic child by taking on the role of symbolic mother. This symbiotic relationship feeds the narcissistic supply. And this is why it’s called the DUAL mothership theory, since both end up offering each other a narcissistic supply. In order words, both end up narcissistic. It doesn’t mean the “victim” ends up suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, but through the process of co-idealisation, it ends up with narcissistic behaviours as well.
Going deep
This concept of dual mothership is quite fundamental in the understanding of narcissistic abusive relationships and as such I will delve deeper into the subject.
In practice, these relationships endure because on one side we have a narcissistic person that requires constant attention, praise and affection, and on the other side there’s a nice guy who thinks that by saying “yes dear” all the time and continue to do their best to please their partner, that they will get two things mostly: First that they will eventually make her happy. And secondly, they will get back the person that they fell in love with. Both of those goals are unachievable. On one hand they are already making her happy; that situation they find themselves in, is exactly what makes her happy, the drama, the chaos, the destruction of the idealised person the narcissist created for the “victim”. It doesn’t look like it, because she cries and complains and nags, but that’s her progressing on her plan to individuate. And they will never get the person they fell in love with back, because that persona is not real and no longer necessary for the narcissist to achieve their goal.
But let’s clarify some of the terms I have thrown around, and a couple more, as it will help make more sense of all this.
Idealisation — This process refers to the creation of a persona for the “victim”. As the word implies, that persona represents something that is better than the reality and in this case it represents their mother, for the narcissist that is. The narcissist puts the victim on a pedestal, they’re the personification of perfection, they can do no wrong. The “victim” lives this stage of the relationship as the idea of true love, of being loved unconditionally. This takes place at the beginning of the relationship and will be the main reason why the “victim” will start being somewhat narcissistic or at least think that way. Because the “victim” accepts the persona that the narcissist created.
Co-idealization: This refers to the fact that not only does the narcissist idealise a persona for the “victim” but the “victim” not only accepts that idealisation of themselves but also idealises a persona for the narcissist, based on the persona they’re being exposed to. This shared fantasy supports the goal of the narcissist in fusing with the “victim” as a symbolic mother. And the ultimate purpose is to go from fusing to detaching as we will discuss. For the narcissist, the “victim” is not an individual, a human being, but a mere instrument to become the narcissist’s mother. The co-idealization is there to allow fusing and merging as a child would do with the mother. Understand that the goal at this stage is for the two to become one. The “victim” ceases to exist in a sense. They become one.
Individuate — This is the process most of us go through whereby we become individuals by separating from others, including our mother, real and symbolic. NPD sufferers did not go through a healthy individuation and are seeking to do it not through the detachment with their real mother but through the detachment with their symbolic mother. And thus the process of idealisation, co-idealisation and individuation is put in motion from the start of the relationship.
Why is this happening to me
The relationship starts with idealisation and in this phase everything seems to be magical if the “victim” buys into the grandiose persona created for them. There’s adulation, constant displays of affection and a real effort to please the “victim”. In order for the relationship to endure, for any relationship to endure, they both need to have a shared fantasy. This makes co-idealisation possible and so it starts the process of merging the two, mother and child, where both actors play both roles, the mother and the child. In practice you will see a couple that is always in agreement.
Once this process is complete, then it’s time for the individuation which is the ultimate goal of the narcissist. There’s an innate urge to individuate and the only way to do it, is to detach from the mother. But this doesn’t happen by removing the mother from the picture straight away, this is achieved by removing the mother from the pedestal they put the mother in. Before they can discard the mother, they need to reject it. And thus starts the process of destroying the “victim’s” self esteem through weird changes of moods and a change in the way they relate to the “victim”. This is when some of the signs mentioned earlier really start to become more prominent and frequent. It’s not just what they say but how they say it that changes. They start saying things that they never said before and if the “victim” tries to create boundaries for what is acceptable they will under no circumstance accept and respect those boundaries and will shame, blame and take the “victim” on guilt trips as mentioned before. Anything but accept to give any control to the “victim”. They’re in control and they will decimate the “victim’s” sense of worth and crush their soul if the relationship is allowed to continue and no party ends it. They don’t do this out of hate or any feeling really towards the “victim” since they don’t see the victim as a separate person. And this is the main reason why I write victim within “”. Because, the “victim” is not really a victim, but a willing participant. The narcissist may be a great manipulator but it doesn’t coerce anyone to be in a relationship with them. On the contrary, as soon as the “victim” states and enforces their boundaries, the narcissist is out of there. If for the “victim”, the only way out (read: break up) is very difficult, for the narcissist, is quite easy, even after many years in the relationship. It’s quite easy, if the “victim” acts as an individual and defines and enforces boundaries, otherwise it’s not so easy as they do lose their narcissistic supply even if only temporarily; until they find another “victim”.
They don’t care about the “victim”. The “victim” is an instrument to function as the mother that they can push away. The narcissist was not allowed to individuate from the mother and this is their way to try to grow up and separate from the mother.
Ok, so now we know why it was so amazing in the beginning and why it is so dreadful now with all the nagging, criticising and devaluation through the many approaches we already covered.
There are two roads the “victim” can go down at this stage. They can either go along with the other person’s wishes and desires, believe they’re really not the persona that was created for them, they are not worthy of the once received praises and compliments but that their role is to please the other person. When chosing this path, whenever the other person gets upset, there will be a bad time in the relationship and it will become an unhappy relationship. For that reason, the “victim” will, going forward, say “yes dear”, and abandon any boundaries they considered to impose. Usually the reason for this behaviour is the fear of conflict, the fear of losing their idealised partner, or the fear of being alone particularly when they reach a point where they do believe they’re not worthy. They sacrifice themselves in order to get a happy relationship.
A healthy woman doesn’t want that though, and is definitely not attracted to that, on the contrary, a healthy woman feels attracted to a man that knows what he wants and that’s many times different from what she wants. A healthy woman doesn’t want a man that doesn’t have an opinion of his own. She wants a man that is able to say no and guide her towards a healthy and happy relationship. A healthy woman wants a real man. This may be difficult to hear for men in this situation but reality can be cruel. I would also be lying if I said that I wasn’t happy in those 10 years. But I would also be lying if I said I was being my true self and being a real man. Anyone can be happy in the most unusual circumstances as long as they accept it as their reality. I wasn’t really aware of what was going on, but only because something wasn’t right I wasn’t prepared to delve deep into. I think my ex partner was probably aware of what was going on. Not the psychological processes I described, but the fact that I wasn’t being a man and that actually suited her and gave her the reasons she needed to act they she acted. And I think there’s a lot people in this situation, where one partner is not really aware of what’s going on in their lives, and the other uses it to their advantage.
The other road the “victim” can take is to leave. This can be done in two distinct ways. One is obvious, they just pack and leave. The other way is more of a roundabout way, where the “victim” imposes boundaries and stands up as a single separate entity. This leads to the narcissist to leave or kick the “victim” out. Either way, they part ways. I know from experience that leaving someone you love, is one of the most difficult things anyone can do. When I left, I left the person I idealised, not the actual person I was living with. Leaving the latter would be very easy, but leaving the former was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It took me a couple of attempts and false starts.
Starting anew
New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings (Lau Tzu). One may be tempted to think that after one gets the courage to sever the relationship, that one is free at last and can start a new life, free of the shackles that kept them submissive to a false love. That’s not quite the case though and it’s common for “victims” of narcissistic abusive relationships to go back to the relationship. Sometimes the narcissist asks the “victim” to come back, sometimes the “victim” asks to be taken back. And the reasons have to do with what we looked into previously, the loss of the mother and child relationship, and more often than not, the loss of what the “victim” believes to be true love.
So as we have seen, it’s quite easy to leave such a relationship (if you can see the real person instead of the idealised one) and in the exact same way, to avoid entering into such a relationship (by defining and upholding your boundaries). This is the main reason why I say it takes two to tango.
First you have to have clearly defined boundaries and make sure they’re not trespassed. You communicate the boundaries clearly, not necessarily in advance, but when there’s an attempt to cross them, and you explain that’s a boundary you have that can’t be crossed if there’s any chance for a relationship to develop (or continue). Your partner has to know and believe that you’re prepared to walk away.
The second rule is that you have to be true to yourself and say what you really believe in. This doesn’t mean you’re closed to discuss your beliefs and even change your mind when you really change your mind. What it means is that you will not say “yes dear” when you really think that it’s not quite like that, that you really do not agree with it but you want to keep your dear happy. You say “yes dear” when you think it’s “yes dear”, or you have discussed it; because you didn’t agree with it; and after discussing it you REALLY agree with it. You need to be very conscious of the fact that you may be manipulated if you’re not being rational but rather emotional when you agree to change your stance/belief.
It doesn’t matter if you’re in your first date, first month of dating, 1 year of dating, 10 years of dating, or married for a decade, once you stand up for yourself, define, communicate and enforce your boundaries, and you are true to yourself rather than just wanting to please your dear, they will dump you. Once you show that you will be your true self no matter what the consequences, they will show you that they don’t really love you, your true self, they never did. They don’t even love the idealisation of you, but that’s not you either way, and as such they don’t want you, they don’t need you, they don’t love you — get out and stay out.
That said, if you acted a certain way and after 10 years you wake up and say: Actually, I do have boundaries and I’m going to uphold them, then I think it’s fair to accept that your partner didn’t sign up for that. She’s in a relationship with someone that has no boundaries and you’re now changing the rules of the game so it’s only fair that she doesn’t want to keep playing. Try to set the rules when you start playing, but if you haven’t and you need to do it now, after 20 years of marriage, just do it.
This is your chance to start anew. But that’s much easier said than done.
Get out and stay out
So you’re out. You may think the worst is over and done with. You’re wrong. And if you don’t understand that, you will now deal with some very strong feelings that will make you want to go back to that relationship, chances are that you will try to do just that. And guess what, the narcissist will very quickly test you to understand if it’s your true self that wants to go back or their idealisation of you. If you show any signs of being your true self that wants to go back they will shut the door on you, but if you bend to their will and accept to go back as their idealisation of you, then they will receive you with open arms and get stronger then they have ever been. I went back twice, bent. Third time I wanted to go back again, but I didn’t bend. I was kept away, after a 10 year relationship.
I felt abandoned (even though I was the one that left), I was grieving and confused, because I didn’t understand what was going on. Now that I do, I can understand what I’m going through. First of all, I’m being narcissistic and missing the idealised persona that I co-idealised. I asked myself if writing this blog post today was a narcissistic endeavour. I’m only writing it because I don’t think so but I’m aware there’s a risk that it is. I’m mourning the mother and child relationship that I lost. I’m mourning the loss of the love of my life, not my narcissistic ex but my idealised ex. This is what’s happening at the moment, but now I understand it. I don’t say the love of my life lightly, I proposed and we got engaged.
How to stay out? You may start to see some improvements in your life, be it your performance at work, or social relationships, health, motivation, whatever it is that has visibly changed for the better. But that won’t be enough to overcome the feelings of loss, the thoughts of what it could have been. You will most probably think that if they just changed this, or that small thing, that things could be great and you could have an exceptional future together. You may find yourself thinking about the good moments and avoid the bad, you surely did that while in the relationship. You may avoid confronting the realisation that the person you fell in love with was no longer there for quite a while (for longer relationships). Just like when you’re in the relationship, you keep hoping to get that person back, the person that made you fall in love with them. That person is no longer available to you. They will be available for someone else but won’t be the exact same person they were with you, they will be adapted to their new “victim”.
If you understand the above, you will be able to stay out. If you understand that they will not change, they never really loved you (as much difficult as that is to accept), that your feelings of loss are also the result of your own idealisation, then you will be able to focus on yourself and try to change you, since you’re the only person you can change.
If you’re in such a relationship, it doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, and if you’re in the relationship for a decade or two. You may think that it’s too late now and that it’s easier to just stay in the relationship than to leave. You may think this because you’re older than you think is appropriate to separate and you don’t want to end up alone (especially if you’re a woman). Or you may understand that you’re in such a relationship but you do think you truly love that narcissistic person. What I’d say to that is, for the former, you are alone and you will end up alone if you do not leave. The narcissist is not with you, they’re with the idealisation of you and their aim is to destroy that idealisation, which in turn is destroying your true self during that journey. For the latter, I’d say that you love your own idealisation of that person and knowing that they’re a different person is not enough to make you stop loving your idealisation. But you need to be aware that you will live the rest of your life as someone else, you will go through this journey as a lie with one purpose only, to satisfy the narcissistic supply of your partner.
Get out and stay out.
Conclusion
We all have narcissistic tendencies and we all behave narcissistic at times. Because your partner is behaving in a particular way one day, it doesn’t mean that they suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. It is the ongoing, constant manifestation of narcissistic traits that is damaging for both the narcissist and their “victims”.
Narcissists can be easy to spot or difficult to spot, but you can behave in a way that any narcissistic (NDP) person will stay away from you or move away from you no matter how long they’re with you. If you change your behaviour, they will leave, they won’t tolerate your real you.
By putting the love of your life (idealised or not) above you and your needs, you end up destroying your true self and living a lie. You perpetuate the lie by staying in the relationship, but you need to understand that you’re the one lying to yourself, the narcissist is being true to themselves.
There’s no two ways about it, these relationships are very complex, and leaving such relationships is not easy. It’s not my aim to make it seem that it’s easy to leave such a relationship (even though I may have said it). I know it’s not. Like I said, I went back twice and was preparing myself to go back for a third time.
I haven’t provided links to resources or professional help but I hope that if you find yourself in a similar situation that this blog will help you identify and recognise what’s happening so you can take the steps you find necessary to help you and your particular situation.
Boa sorte!
Post-scriptum: There are a couple of things that I have a need to leave written, not just because I think it may be useful for you, if you read up to this point, but also for me. And without going into specific situations of my experience I want to talk a bit about my thoughts at the moment in regard to my specific experience.
First I need to acknowledge that I may be just naïve to think that the narcissist has no clue of what’s going on. Not necessarily the psychological processes they’re going through and that are motivating them but that they don’t know what they’re doing to the person living with them.
I have to be truly honest here, if I were on my ex shoes during our relationship, I would not love me. I would not love a person that was subjected to some of the things I was and continue to love them. But maybe that’s just because I don’t suffer from NPD.
On the other hand, and without removing any weight to what I just said, when I read this, I understand it gives a perception of something different from the reality. The subtlety, the cunningness (I don’t know if cunning is the right word but I mean to say that they don’t necessarily tell you explicitly what devalues you, it’s so subtle that acts more on the subconscious) and the slow drip-feed of the devaluation, critique and attack on the self-worth is not something I can make justice to in a blog post. Contrast that with the anchoring to the good moments and you will start to have a better picture of such a relationship. But the understanding, I reckon, requires actually living it. And in order to live it, one needs to be naïve, but worst than that, disrespect themselves in order to please someone else and I wish that to no one.
Yes I feel ashamed that I found myself in that situation. If you asked me at the the time, I would probably tell you that you would never find me in that situation, right then when I was living it. There’s a deep feeling that something is wrong and there are certain things that we know we don’t like but we find excuses to let it go because of whatever reason we can live with. It took me a long time to get out of that relationship and like I said, even though I packed up and left, I was considering the possibility of going back for the third time. In hindsight, I can now see how things started to change after the first time I went back and much worse after the second. All that without forgetting the slow drip-feed of the devaluation and honestly, sometimes, humiliation.
It’s very clear to me today that if your partner breaks up with you for whatever reason, you should never try to get back to them; narcissist or not. And if they for some reason realise they made a mistake and try to get back with you, think long and hard about it and make sure you define some very clear boundaries that will if not prevent at least minimise the chances of you getting hurt again by that person.
So if you’re a man, or a woman, finding yourself in such a relationship, don’t let your shame, fear, or love, stop you from leaving. I say love because even today, and this is difficult to reconcile, one of the most difficult things for me, after understanding what has happened to me, is to believe that it was all a lie. The understanding doesn’t make it any easier to accept it. There’s no way I can accept this without having some really dark thoughts about the person I was in a relationship with for 10 years.
If you read this whole blog post, and if you find yourself in a similar relationship, you should now understand what your love actually is, so don’t let it stop you either. It’s not easy but it will be fine.
